“At first, there is us. There is only us. But even then, even before we can know to know it, we wish you were here.”

This is the start of the book Wish, by Matthew Cordell.

This book was given to us a month ago as a gift from a dear friend of ours. And after reading the first page, I was nearly in tears. It is the story of a couple (they happen to be elephants) who grow together, but begin to long for something missing in their life.

Much like the couple in the story, Abby and I began to realize that what we wished for wasn’t coming. As much as we planned and hoped and tried, it just wasn’t happening. Even with our Hannah, she was gone before she came. And like it says in the book, “everything stopped. This was not what we planned.”

We began to live our lives and listen to where God wanted us to be. He gave us one more godchild (bringing our total now to 21), He provided us with the opportunity to continue to serve teens through Confirmation (Abby is now the coordinator of the program), and most of all… He allowed us to continue to grow as a married couple and live out the sacrament.

Even with all this, we still continued to wish.

And come December 2015… our wish will be here.

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With .4 seconds left and a double team guarding Kobe Bryant, the Glove (Gary Payton) had no choice, but to pass it to their next best option… Derek Fisher.

With 53 seconds left and the ball on the 6 yard line, Joe Montana rolled right looking for an open receiver. Dwight Clark, who was battling it out in the end zone, hits the brakes and cuts to his left.

At the bottom of the 9th with Eckersley on the mound and two outs, Tommy Lasorda sends injured Kirk Gibson up to bat. After 6 minutes, 3 balls, and 2 strikes, Kirk swings as hard as he can.

The Lakers would go on to win that series against the San Antonio Spurs (though lose to the Detroit Pistons in the NBA Finals). The 49ers would win the Super Bowl and mark the beginning of what is the legendary San Francisco 49er’s dynasty. The Dodgers would go on to win the World Series against the Oakland Athletics.

Its all about timing. You study, you practice, you put yourself out there. All that is left is for you to trust that things will execute according to plan.

Thats what it feels like when you are an infertile couple practicing NFP (Natural Family Planning). You study the method and try to monitor cycles. You do your best during the “peak” periods and sometimes you are left wondering what you did wrong. Why didn’t it go “according to plan?” That is usually when the couple has to come to realize that even if they do everything “perfectly,” the plan is not theirs, but HIS.

One year ago today (9/11/2014), my wife and I lost our baby girl, Hannah, due to a miscarriage. We had made so many plans for her, but our Father made HIS own plan. A memorial candle for Hannah now sits in front of the Pieta statue at our Parish. It is our weekly ritual that we visit that spot to remember the joy and hope that she still brings us. While our hearts still ache for our child that was lost, it also smiles when we know that she is up in Heaven. In the Old Testament, Abraham and Sarah were struggling to have a child. God only revealed HIS plan for them when Sarah began mocking their infertility . Much like Abraham and Sarah, we too have thrown up our arms every now and then trying to figure out what we are supposed to do. But all we can do is wait for that visit from Gabriel*.


Whether a couple is struggling with infertility, miscarriage, or just marriage in general… God asks us to study, to practice, to put ourselves out there, but most of all to be faithful and patient.

Happy Anniversary Hannah.

*Gabriel – Angel that told Mary she was to have a child: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gabriel

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Celebration of Memories

Last night we attended our parish’s 25th annual Celebration of Memories. It is a celebration of the lives and memories of those that had passed away this year. We actually didn’t just attend, but were participants in this celebration. Many parishioners, and even some of the Priests, approached us and were confused as to why we were in line holding a candle. I had anticipated this reaction.

2014-11-03 22.05.02On September 11, 2014, the heart of the baby still in the my wife’s womb, stopped beating. Abby was just about 9 weeks into her pregnancy when we miscarried our dear Hannah. We had already begun planning how we would tell everyone the news. Our immediate families were already celebrating the little miracle that was Hannah. We even started discussing who were going to be the Godparents. But God had other plans. Our dear Hannah decided that she wanted to be with her Heavenly Mother and Father instead.

During the homily of the mass, Fr. Pius revealed that he changed the Gospel of the Mass and instead read the story of The Empty Tomb. He wanted to reveal that when Mary Magdala went to the tomb of Jesus, it was not only the tomb that was empty, but also a piece of her heart. This is because someone that was very important to her was now gone, someone she loved. This is exactly how Abby and I have been feeling ever since Hannah left us. She is someone we had been fighting to meet for the past 5 years. She is someone that has held a place in our heart ever since we were married.  But then Fr. Pius told us that we should not be focusing on the Empty Tomb, but the garden in heaven where we are reunited with our loved ones. I couldn’t help but to imagine little Hannah running around in heaven playing in the grass and maybe chasing butterflies (yeah they have butterflies in heaven).  This made me smile.

2014-11-03 19.08.43-2

Our daughter’s name displayed in our church for all to see and acknowledge how loved she is.

Which leads me to the point of this post… striving for heaven. In the past I always knew that my job was to lead Abby to heaven and visa versa. But this Healing of Memories brings in new purpose… I want to make sure my wife gets to heaven so she can meet her daughter Hannah for the first time. I can only imagine how happy they both will be when they get to meet. When she finally gets to embrace our little angel. Oh and of course I would love to be there too reunited as a family.

But until that day, we know that we have a little angel in heaven praying for us.

My prayer is that all those couples that have suffered from a miscarriage strive to lead each other to heaven so that they too will be reunited in Heaven’s garden with their little angels.


Sonograms taken during our 4 week and 8 week visit.


Our Lady of Sorrows Medal that Abby got engraved so that we could remember Hannah. Our Lady of Sorrows, pray for us!

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